Only ONE message in 6 weeks…what are you doing wrong?

Dear Krista,

I firstly wanted to say how much I love your course- have got your free emails and am waiting until your new course opens.

Anyway, taking your advice re messaging 5 people a week on ok cupid...I’ve been doing this for six weeks now and had ONE reply. 

It is just so so disheartening and I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Lovely, I’m so, so glad you reached out.

Because this is dating. You’re in it now. You put your profile up, you got some great photos, you’re using the OKCupid hacks from the free email course…and only ONE reply in six weeks.

It’s. So. Frustrating.

So now that we’ve acknowledged that this is part of what dating, you know, IS, let’s talk about what to DO about it!

Here are a few things to make sure you’re considering:

  1. How’s your profile looking?

    Have a friend you trust look over your profile with you. How are your photos? Are they blurry selfies, or glorious full-body action shots of you reeling in a fish on your latest fishing trip, or signing the summit book atop Mt. Whitney, or pulling your latest lattice-topped summer peach pie out of the oven? If things are looking a little bit drab, make sure you’re spicing those photos up by scheduling some super-fun, photo-inspiring activities over the next few weeks and having your friends or family members take ENDLESS photos of you throughout.

    Now. How’s your written profile looking, if you’re on OKCupid or another profile-based site? Are you jamming it with “hooks”? Hooks are interesting little tidbits that are specifically designed to attract your ideal partner. Mentions of your favorite local bar or restaurant. Specific details about what you do for a living, or what you like doing on a Friday night, or what your life story has been. Your profile should be interesting to read. Let your profile-helping friend tell you whether your profile needs some added spice!
  2. Are you accidentally ruling out some potential great dates?

    A lot of straight women I work with tell me they would NEVER date a man who was shorter than they are. And to that I say…WHYYYYY? What does height have to do with whether someone makes you soup when you’re sick, or remembers your anniversary, washes the dishes while you dry, or any of the other little day-to-day things that make you an awesome fucking team?

    I’ll tell you. Height has nothing to do with it. If you’re looking to buy in to the cultural trope that men have to be BIGGER AND STRONGER than you, then you’re going to miss out on some awesome possibilities. So that’s why step 2 here involves figuring out whether you’re accidentally eliminating some of your potentials by having a rigid rule about something that doesn’t matter in the long run.
  3. How are your messages?

    Are you just saying, “hey,” or are you asking them questions? Being thoughtful about your messages can lead to much better response rates. See this blog for more information on what to put in your messages.
  4. Is this the right dating app for you?

    So let me start by saying I’m SO PROUD OF YOU for getting a profile up on just one dating app. That’s the first step. But if you’re doing numbers 1-3 perfectly to a T and you’re still not getting any bites? Whelp. It’s time to try another dating app.

    No need to abandon the one you’re already on, but go ahead and add one. If you’re not on OKCupid, I’d be sure you’re on that one for sure. But if you’re already on there, try adding Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, Woo Plus, Plenty of Fish, E-Harmony, or Tinder. If you subscribe to a particular religion, try Christian Mingle or J-Date.

    See if another app gets better results in your area. Maybe you’re in a weird micro dating climate because of your location, age, religion, or something else wonderful about you. You won’t know until you try!
  5. Put down the apps! Okay, so you’re rockin’ steps 1-4, what do you think about some offline dating? Hop on (oooookay, that’s another app, I know), and find some interesting groups in your area. Look around. Are there classes you’d like to join? Book clubs in your area? Volunteer opportunities?

    Just start putting yourself into the path of other PEOPLE. Not even necessarily potential dates, just people. Because you never know when someone’s sister’s roommate’s best friend is gonna be your ideal match. This is all about biasing the odds in your favor and bringing more possible people into your life.

So those are the five steps I’d recommend to break through this stuck place you’re in right now, lovely. But I think the thing I want you focusing on more than any of those, is patience.

Yes, one message in six weeks is low, and I’m hoping some of the above steps will help you start to bring in more interesting potential dates! But if they don’t? Don’t you DARE give up. You keep trying different things. You keep sending your five messages a week. Because you’re in it now. You’re in the hard part. And the other side of this is so, so, so worth it.

XO, Curvy (aka Krista)